Alabama DMV, Part II

Jeff and I went to the DMV at our appointed time on October 1 and were both seen by a State Trooper examiner almost immediately - woohoo for making appointments!

My examiner and I had an almost instant rapport. She was an Arizona native who moved to Alabama 14 years ago, and of course I'm an expat from the DC area, so we bonded over the absurdity that is Alabama. She reviewed my documents - birth certificate, social security card, Virginia driver's license, Costco card (seriously, can't make this stuff up) - and declared I was, indeed, who I said I was. I told her that even though I had been gone from Alabama for over 20 years, I still remembered my old license number - was it still available? She checked, and it was; ah, the bitter-sweetness of having a photographic memory - can't forget anything damnit. Then she gave me the eye test. Oops. Not a good idea since I couldn't see the eye chart. I was all like, "I, um, think that's a 3? No? 8?" and she was all like, "No. Try again." Crap. I was thinkin that maybe this was all going downhill rapidly so I blurted out, "I swear to you I have an eye exam later this afternoon and will be getting new glasses!" to which she replied, "Well, I'll issue you your license, but you CANNOT drive until you get your eyes examined." I promised her I wouldn't drive and would absolutely get my eyes examined.

And so I did. I went to an optometrist that afternoon, picked out my new totally fabulous glasses, had the eye exam, and heard these words: "Ms. Murphy, you have cataracts in both eyes, but your left eye is especially worse. Your vision is almost totally obstructed, and I can't issue you a prescription for glasses until you have cataract surgery." Well, hell. No wonder I can't see. He went on to recommend an ophthalmologist who had "great success" in performing cataract surgery, and Jeff made me the appointment right then (it won't be until the end of October, because apparently every single professional in this area wants you to mull over your sins for a month before they see you).

Meanwhile, should I choose to go vote, I have a valid Alabama driver's license. Can't drive but I can vote thank-you-very-much. And voting by people like me is what Alabama politicians most dread; after all, the Legislature just closed multiple driver's license offices across the state with more closings due in January (unless something changes, by January the only DMV offices left will be in 4 cities: Mobile, Montgomery, Birmingham and Huntsville; this means anyone living outside these cities - and there are many such people - are pretty much screwed as far as "easily" obtaining a driver's license or State-required ID for voting). So watch out Alabama: there are more and more progressives livin in this state, and we vote. The times they are a'changin!

True Confession: I Killed a Peacock

The Deep South is full of ghosts, and if you haven't seen or heard one while living here, you ain't payin attention.

Today for no reason I flashed back to about 1973 when I was 19 and an idiot. I had a date with Stuart who was Dick's cousin who was my best friend from elementary school's boyfriend (now husband). Dorothy, my bff, had set the whole date thingy up, and we went out to Ramer where Dick and Stuart's families had farms. The guys fixed us drinks: orange juice and vodka, and drink we did!

As the evening wore on we climbed a fire tower. Seemed like an excellent idea at the time. Except I have severe acrophobia. The higher we climbed the more uneasy I felt. Plus did I mention we were drinkin? The wind blew, the tower swayed, my stomach lurched. Uh oh. Luckily for everyone else, I didn't hurl my dinner up, but then I was faced with a quandary: how the hell do I get off this tower? Anyone with acrophobia knows that we can climb up with just a tad of uncomfortableness since we aren't looking down. But climbing down you're, uh, looking down, and that ain't a comforting picture. I can't recall how I made it off the tower, but obviously I did, but I was left woozy. Okay the booze also left me woozy, but the fear of heights just kicked my ass worse!

As we were walking back to the house from the tower, we walked through an old rural cemetery. Stuart said he didn't feel well and was going back to the house while we explored. Dick felt it was time then to tell me the legend of a guy who had died violently and still haunted the cemetery when out of the dark loomed a white-figured apparition. I screamed my fool head off, heart beating uncontrollably and realized everybody else was snickerin. Damnit - fooled by Stuart as the ghost and Dorothy and Dick's abetting.

That was two instances in one night of abject terror for me - first the tower, then the ghost. Since everything happens in 3s to me, I thought, "What the hell's next?"

I didn't have long to wait. Dick fixed us yet more drinky winkies, and we went out the back door of his home to walk around the pond in the back. We were laughing at how gullible I was and just havin a hoot of a good time when all of the sudden a creature from the black lagoon rose slowly out of the darkness. HOLY SHIT WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS??? I screamed, fell backwards, and the creature also screamed but flew forwards, straight into the inky black water. Dorothy told me that the "creature" was a peacock - a prized peacock no less - and that they think I killed it.

Now to be fair, it almost killed me. Just sayin. But I was horrified, truly. Both that it rose out of the darkness like Satan himself and that I may have contributed to its untimely demise.

The next morning Stuart called me and said that indeed, the peacock had died and did I want to go out with him Friday? Oh shit. Mortified, I couldn't even think about going out with him again so soon and couldn't bear the thought of facing him if/when Friday's conversation turned back to the peacock. I said I'd think about it, never heard from him again, and he ended up marrying a former classmate of mine (good choice on his part - I didn't really like her much in school, but I knew that she would never, ever kill a peacock, and she wasn't an idiot).

Now that I've confessed to this heinous deed 40 some odd years after the fact, will the ghosts and the peacock please leave me alone? We'll see :D. Oh, by the way, it took me years before I could drink orange juice again without gagging, and I've never had another oj/vodka since that night. I'm not a total idiot.

Driver's Licenses in Alabama

So. The first week of September the Old Man and I went to register for homestead exemption in Alabama. The clerk said that was cool, "I need to see your driver's licenses." We handed her our Virginia licenses, and she said, "You can't register for homestead exemption unless you have Alabama licenses." Um, okay.

So we went to the DMV. The clerk said, "You can't get a state-transferred license here. You have to go to the State Trooper's office on Church Street. You also have to have your birth certificates and social security cards." Um, okay. We finally had both of our birth certificates after discovering Jeff couldn't find his and we ordered a certified copy from his state of birth back in August. But then Jeff looked in his wallet for his social security card, and nada. Seriously? Dude!

So we went to the social security office, waited an hour to see a clerk, and finally placed an order for a replacement card, and headed to the Trooper's office on Church Street.

The clerk on Church said, "We aren't accepting any more appointments today." It was 10:00 a.m. Um, okay. She followed up by saying, "You need to make an appointment online, unless you want to take a chance and form a line at 6:00 tomorrow morning, and even then it's not guaranteed." Um, okay.

We went home and I got online and I made us both an appointment - first available appointments are in October. Meanwhile, Jeff's replacement social security card was delivered, and as I handed it to him, I said, "DO NOT LOSE THIS CARD!" He grimaced, mumbled he wouldn't, and disappeared into his sanctuary: his bathroom. Uh huh. We'll see if he can hang onto it...!

Meanwhile Alabama is set to shutter in October and January all driver's licenses offices with the exception of four cities: Huntsville, Birmingham, Montgomery and Mobile. Here's my question: if it took us over a month to get an appointment at our local DMV, what's going to happen to all the poor souls in rural counties who will be bombarding one of the four remaining DMVs? Before you think, damn, what a hassle, it ain't just a hassle; this affects voting rights, as well. Alabama has a voter ID law in place; if it takes months to get a driver's license and/or state issued ID, how will that affect voter registration, not to mention jury duty and insurance rates (after all, if many of the drivers on state roads are unlicensed, this is sure to impact insurance rates). Wow. Welcome to Alabama, y'all.